This piece in the New York Magazine had me riled up from the first line. I loathe cheats. Cheating is the ultimate sign of weakness. And its rude. Choices; we all have them. That’s the whole point of living in a free and democratic society; if you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone you can always just leave. Walk away and don’t hurt them any more than you already have. Some people argue that men are expected to cheat but just because something is expected of you does not mean you have to do it, especially if its to the detriment of others. Take that moron Anthony Weiner, for example, who embarrassed himself and his wife again, in such a spectacle. In his half-arsed mea culpa he alluded to the fact that he made mention of more sexts surfacing later on and now that it has happened, he almost expects his behaviour to be brushed off and life to continue as normal. His wife’s support only gives him extra smugness. As a woman its hard to just brush this off and not react or be perplexed by her continued allegiance when he has shown her so little.
I read and re-read this piece in NY Mag several times, hoping to understand it from his point of view but there was nothing, absolutely nothing, that could help me do that. Instead I got angrier. He is about to marry someone he claims to love, but has cheated on too many times to count because its inherent in his nature. My guy gives a plethora of reasons for being an utter ass, besides the fact that he just cannot help himself, none of which stand any ground.
Maybe I’m just being a bitch, but you be the judge.
“There is something amazing about someone new. Its just like a discovery.” No shit sherlock, I feel the same way every time I receive an ASOS delivery it doesn’t mean I’m going to keep buying stuff just to feel that rush of opening something new. That feeling of anticipation is just so damn star spangled awesome (thank you Will McAvoy) and all kinds of “amazing” for him, that he is prepared to damn the consequences along with his fiancée’s feelings. For him, that familiarity of the person you love, knowing everything about them, is overrated and underwhelming and does not compare to the headiness found between the legs of a one night stand.
It continues;
“There is such a thing as respectful infidelity…as much as I’ve been unfaithful at times I’ve tried as respectfully as I could, to do it without hurting anyone’s feelings or getting caught.” No, really he said that. Who knew there was such a thing as “Respectful Infidelity”? I died at this line. He goes on to explain the terms and conditions for respectful infidelity; “there are things you reserve for the person you love, like spending the night in that person’s arms.” Because, you know, spending the night in the arms of the person you’ve just shagged, who isn’t your partner, is so damn tacky. The best; “I don’t go down on other women because I want less intimacy with the person I’m cheating with” Heck, this just makes you a lousy lay more than anything else. At least he concedes to being an ass-hole and for that he deserves a standing ovation.
He tries to redeem himself with that classic narcissistic excuse men like to use about how cheating is different ball game for them than it is for women and how we just don’t understand. How can we understand how awful it is for you being with just one woman? How can we understand the sacrifices you go through by sticking to a commitment you have made? How can we possibly understand how hard it is for you to cheat again and again? My goodness it must kill you. He gets even more cliché, stating that men are capable of detachment when it comes to sex in a way women aren’t. If I had a dime for every time I heard that line… But of course he would say such a thing. Whilst I may be compelled to see some sort of reason here, the need for such justification and the fact that he agrees if the roles were reversed it would hurt him, is what makes this argument all the more weak.
Compartmentalising your weakness for the sake of instant gratification is about as shameful as one can get. All defence at this point is moot.
Even sex with a prostitute resurrects the same feelings you share with your partner, albeit for all of 30 seconds, and at that point, the intimacy with your partner loses its sanctity. Making excuses for your infidelities is about as low as you can go, even if you don’t go that low with your one night stands and daylight hotel quickies. Or should the fact that you don’t spend the night in someone else’s arms ease off the guilt? Where is that sense of decorum before you start being an ass hole?
However, Mr Anonymous is hopeful of being faithful in the marriage because he hasn’t cheated on his girlfriend since he put a ring on it and she became his fiancée. He says he really wants that to remain as it is; “I never imagined myself cheating on my wife and I don’t plan on doing that.” I bet she never imagined spending the rest of her life with a spineless philanderer either. I want him to remain faithful for her sake, I really do, but this is man who thinks monogamy “fucking sucks” and is not “ideal for him”. The same man who resented his girlfriend when he had to go a while without being unfaithful. The ring on her finger, the symbol of his pledge to her means nothing to him, neither will the title change of her prefix and her taking up his last name, make a difference. If he cannot honour her before marriage, nothing will change after. Children will not curb his need for someone else, she’ll get pregnant, her body will change and he’ll blame her for his weakness when he cheats. Because he will. I hope he doesn’t, but you know what they say about leopard and spots. He is already psyching himself to cheat and giving himself a reason for when he does. His reason for wanting to get married is piss poor and borne out of a need to settle down and not love. “I wouldn’t have proposed if I hadn’t felt like I’ve done enough of this.”
That’s just what every girl hopes for in her prince charming isn’t it? (*S)
I’m an all or nothing kind of woman and I tend to take a hard line when it comes to love and relationships because its either black or white, there are very few grey areas. And being in a relationship with someone shouldn’t have to be that complicated. If it is; GET THE HELL OUT. When you cheat, you rubbish whatever intimate bond exists between you and your partner. You make a mockery of their feelings, the secrets they have shared with you and you make a huge ASS of your self. Sex is an invitation into a most private place. It is the single most intimate thing shared between two people in a relationship, it is your most vulnerable moment with them. They get to see you in a way no other person can or should and cheating on them makes this all such bullshit. That fucking sucks.
Contrary to what Mr Anonymous believes, nothing works better when you are cheating because its deceitful to yourself and more importantly, to your partner. Making excuses to enable your pathetic actions is insulting. In the name of fairness he should at least give her a chance to make up her mind whether she is prepared to live with someone who has such little regard for her.
Monogamy is not for everyone, I get it, and life is not cookie-cutter, Disney movie perfect. In real life, the good guy hardly gets the girl, there is no Prince Charming and women don’t have such tiny waist or perfect lashes. We all don’t sing along and dance around holding hands in a circle and life is not all colourful, hopeful and bright. Life can suck sometimes and then you die, so we could do with a lot less douchebaggery from asshats like these. Marriage will not solve the problem its a lifetime commitment to the SAME PERSON EVERYDAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE and FOREVER is hell of a long time to have regrets that.
As he says; “everyone loses when you are unfaithful” and in this situation, this will be hurt and loss to people who don’t deserve such; a wife who honours her the same way she does him, and eventually, children who should never be dealt such a shit end of the stick. Marriage is not a fixer upper and that’s what this guy thinks it is.
This guy is a DOUCHEBAG.